Secrets to a Happy Marriage: For Women

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1. Develop amnesia. Find some way to forget what he did. Or (again) didn’t do. Go without sleep or spin 50 times to reduce cognitive faculty. Stick a finger in the socket.

2. If biting your tongue hurts too much, pop some chocolate. Sure, every time.

3. Lie. Tell yourself he’s listening. The short-lived delusion will reap a harvest of peace for the home and the good of the kids.

4. Use your imagination. He mistook medication for digestive enzymes and is suffering severe side effects. Yeah, that’s it. He forgot because he’s sick.

5. Take a deep breath and count to 10. No, 40. In Portuguese…or Swahili. Lose yourself in a dictionary. Hec, master a foreign language. You’ll get there in no time and can hook any job you want. (Let me help. I can count to 1,000,000 in Korean.)

6. Don’t parrot your requests and be called a nag. Text him the list of Honey Dos (even if you’re sitting facing him) after breakfast when glucose has hit the brain before he plans his day. Lunch is too late, what with food coma and that sweet nap. Cap it at three tasks or he’ll ignore them. Reward him with a drink between tasks. Your head hurts? Consider the mental tap-dancing your cerebral exercise for the day. You’re excused from the Times crossword and Sudoku.

There. You might find yourself mangled, bruised, or diabetic. But gosh darn it, you are loving each other to death. Nothing worth having spares the suffering, and he is so worth it. Because when the amnesia wears off, you’ll remember: he said I do. And in his helplessly human way, he has.

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192 thoughts on “Secrets to a Happy Marriage: For Women”

  3. Oh my goodness, Diana! I can’t even laugh because hubby’s asleep next to me. Gotta love him and all the personal growth development he’s inspired. As always, I appreciate the clever way you put things in perspective.

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  17. I would sum up all your tips as “exercise a sense of humor!” If we stop laughing, then we are really in trouble. You made me chuckle today and may have saved my marriage. LOL.

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  18. Whether wit, or sarcasm, it is sage advise. To nag is the surest way to have him go deaf, or worse. The last thing I did for my ex was that damn bathroom fan … Bathrooms with windows don’t need fans!

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  20. So true. You definitely have to have a sense of humor and calculate the costs. If 99% of the time, it’s good and depending on the level of importance on what is not, then you’re doing good. You could look on the flip side and see it from his point of view and begin to wonder why he’s still hanging around. Nope, best not do that. LOL

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  22. Your article was excellent, but it always takes two to cause a problem. So, my advice is for both to be 100% honest with each other by always keeping the communications open with LOVE. Seeing their parents act in love to a problem will teach their children how to react to problems when they marry.

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  24. The best thing in a marriage is when you get to the point you realise he/she is a really good person, so I will just treat them accordingly. 33 years and have never been happier.

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  27. Diana, only you could possibly come up with a post that is both funny and enduring. Remembering that he said, “I do” is so sweet. And you counting in Korean made me laugh. My husband used to tell me I had “German” ways and that would always get under my skin. I’m part German. 🙂 But anyhow, I love all the ways of dealing with things that irk a wife in her marriage. Yvonne x

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      • You are correct on every count. I am stubborn and don’t give up. Just keep on, keeping on. (My marriage was like one of those old washboards). I had to keep on scrubbing on that rugged surface or put the dirty clothes in the fire. After all was said and done I was/am glad I kept scrubbing. 🙂

      • Marriage…washboard…ha ha ha ha. I’m not sure who’s more wrung out at the end, you or the marriage. But where would the human race be if not for us women who keep at it?

        Xxx
        D.

  28. So true… There is a story about a famous Rabbi (18th century) who married a young couple only to see them a month later asking for divorce. The reason? Arguing all the time. He gave them a small vial of water which he called “holy water” and instructed them to take a mouthful of it the moment they start arguing, but not swallow, just hold it as long as they can and then spit it out. And be very sparing with it, as there is no more! A month later they came back and reported that, miraculously, they stopped arguing. No divorce. The holy water helped! The Rabbi is one of my ancestors, and my grandmother told me this story when I became engaged.

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      • They weren’t supposed to swallow to keep their mouths shut for a while, until they would forget what they were going to argue about! The water wasn’t holy, of course. Its the same method as your counting in Korean, but involving both spouses. It takes an authority figure, though, to get a husband involved in a piece-making process.

      • At a post-wedding dinner for my younger son, I gave my new daughter-in-law a rolling pin as a gift designed to ensure peace in the family. First, you use it to bake delicious things (my son has a monster sweet tooth!), and secondly, if he misbehaves, you have a sturdy weapon in your hand! It was a joke, of course, but in 8 years, she baked lots of delicious cakes and cookies and never had to implement behavior modification!

  31. I love this. It’s a great way to laugh through the insanity. Will definitely share on my other sites for the married and the same as being married women I know. Bless your hearts.

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  36. Made me laugh a lot. I remind myself daily that this isn’t Hollywood. You don’t get the guy & live happily ever after – you have to work at it. Every. Single. Day 🙂

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  42. This sounds like silent torture to some degree and yet it might be a way to keep the peace. The sad truth is their are some who are living this reality. Great insight and food for thought.

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  47. Use your imagination. Yes. But sometimes, men can’t even explain themselves and what they have done, and hence the excuses. You know, the excuses always are rather entertaining and you wonder how some men can come up with them over and over again. And maybe repeat them over and over again.

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