Lessons from My 30s

I learned not to expect anything from anyone – not even my amazing friends – but to give. People have their own burdens. I am grateful that anyone should stop to think of me in some way. Wish I had known earlier not to impose standards in my relationships, to free people in their weakness, free God to grow them.

It was the decade I fell in love twice. With the man I agreed to marry and the baby boy I found myself cradling. I realize my guys have been my 30s. With an I.V. needling sustenance into my broken body on my 30th birthday, I had yet to imagine I would meet my husband the following year – on the dance floor. While some of the most excruciating trials darken this period of my history, these 10 years have been my best. That I should be given a companion to come alongside, hold me up and provide for me, depend on me in the mundane. That I should experience the ineffable wonder of growing a person and bringing forth that life from my own body. My hands, given to help fashion a mind and soul, feed and grow health in the person God had knit in my womb.

It was the decade I lost myself. When I plunged headlong into motherhood, Diana disappeared and in her stead emerged a little guy’s personal Hometown Buffet. Everything-From-Scratch MOM. Homeschooler. Walking Unmade Bed, way too tired to care about looking presentable.

P1030732Better late than never: on the threshold of the next decade, I began to recover that self. I hadn’t realized how I’d let myself go until I lopped off the hair that was brushing my low back last fall. I—felt—human. Eating right did not exempt me from looking okay. A photo of me and Holistic Husband when it was just the two of us presents a woman accessorized and made up. Make-up? I’d forgotten I not only once wore it, but sold it. Sigh. Last month I parted with the clothes I’d worn over 12 years. Closet’s bare! Thank God for Winter Clearance. With the help of earrings and a top that doesn’t hang on me just because it was a freebie from a friend, I now pass for a female. I blow the dust off the gifts that shape me, so I can serve God the way I was meant to.

With the intent studies in health and natural living, I came to understand how to eat the way my body needs to. Sixteen years in the formal education system impart absolutely no working knowledge of two of the weightiest matters in life: how to eat and how to manage money. I can see why Israel’s desert wanderings lasted 40 years. Some lessons take that long. I’ve learned the kind of care my body needs, and how relationships and my response to life affect me.

I’ve developed a compassion entirely alien to my nature and temperament. It’s hard to go through near-death training and come out with no empathy for those who suffer. One step forward for every 2 or 3 in reverse has made it one dogged climb against a steady rain of impossible setbacks.. I can’t figure the math on how I’ve ended up on higher ground, except for the grace of God and the stints of running He’s blessed. I have plumbed unchartered dimensions of heartache and blackness, laid bare the nemesis fear, coming to see just how deeply it runs beneath my upsets.

It was the decade I should have known better and paid heavily for some stupid decisions. But there is no stumbling block that cannot transform into a stepping stone.

189 thoughts on “Lessons from My 30s”

  3. Great post. The journey in which you’ve spoken of is beautiful. God was
    and is and will always be faithful no matter what season of life we are in. God is Great!

  4. Didn’t know you had a blog! I kept scrolling and devouring more because your writing is so good. It’s refreshing!

  5. But there is no stumbling block that cannot transform into a stepping stone. Happy you are stepping it up on through life! Smile through your walk with Him

  6. Great post. I’m half way through my thirties and enjoying it so far, though there are moments I’d rather forget – but I also know they have all gone into making me who I am now. I love the way you finished this – long live gratitude and hope:-)

    1. Thanks. I decided to what-the-hec-embrace it because not only could I not avert it, but knew I would not mind being 40 again, 20, 30 years from now. I like your awareness that you are a composite of the years you leave behind.

  7. Incredibly beautiful post! I can relate to your musings of losing yourself in taking care of your child and then rediscovering yourself–one of the best and most rewarding journeys ever! Looking forward to reading more from you 🙂

    1. I had to catch some seed thoughts on a promising post as they spilled from my head just now. On the enterprise of blogging. What I want to say there is that feedback like yours is what takes our blogging to its potential. I could’ve kept those thoughts on my 30s in my private journal. But here we are at an interface. Understanding one another. I think THAT’s what helps make the post really lovely. So: thank you for reflecting back to me. Blessings.

  8. Great writing! “…let today embrace the past with remembrance and tomorrow with longing…” Kahlil Gibran

  9. Gratitude and hope, this speaks to me! When I turned forty I realized that for most of my life I’d been rather scared, fearing a lot of things. Then my eyes were opened to what hope there was if I started believing that God loved me and didn’t want me to be scared all the
    time. Today is PENTECOST , the Feast of Weeks, celebrating that Moses received the ten commandments. And it’s the seventh Sunday after EASTER when the apostles received the Holy Spirit, so they didn’t have to be scared any more!
    Thanks, Diana, for this beautiful post. Aunty Uta

    1. WOW, Aunty. I was humbled when I saw the likes coming in that you would read and support a younger voice on thoughts about life, when you have more wisdom than I have experienced. Just love the Biblical milestones you pointed out and their significance for the freedom we enjoy. Yes, gratitude for what I’ve been enabled through. Hope before the days ahead… “she can laugh at the days to come,” right?). The fear drives so much of our response in relationships. If you don’t get to the post below, I understand. It’s one of the more intense ones. But your feedback reminded me of parts of it. Here’s a clip in case that’s all you can manage. God bless you!

      “Hope is a picture we paint of a better place we imagine for ourself, a new place to go. It provides meaning for the present and future.”

      https://aholisticjourney.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/solitary-confinement-a-window-into-life/

  14. I love the way you write. We can be mothers and wives, but we are still women. I am happy that you regained your old self and start dressing up again. It feels nice to be beautiful and appreciate.

    1. We can be mothers and wives, but we are still women. DUH, how could I have missed that??!! No one’s happier (and no longer embarrassed) than my husband. =) One’s appearance does so much for the family atmosphere. Thanks so much for all the kind support, gongju. Keep up your fun!

  15. I really like your thoughts here! I ignored everyone’s advice to “feed” myself when my kids were little because they just needed so much from me and I’m a big girl so it didn’t bother me a bit, but now it is “my turn” again and it’s a changed relationship [with the children] but still wonderful!

  16. Awesome website you have here but I was curious about if you knew of any forums that cover the same topics discussed here?
    I’d really like to be a part of group where I can get feed-back from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Bless you!

    1. Thanks for the props. I’m not part of a group but if you do a word search on your READER on topics of interest (faith, writing), you’ll put up posts on that topic and can chk out those writers. You also can tap the photo of those who put up likes or comments on the posts of mine that cover things near and dear to your heart. Chances are you’ll find like-minded bloggers. But this isn’t a sure bet, as I have a diverse readership and sometimes bloggers just like thoughts they themselves normally wouldn’t explore. Blessings.

  17. I love the unique rhythms in your writing. You are a true voice, and that’s rare.
    This topic is so rich. Personally, I don’t know if I ever forgot how to feed myself (not food, anyway), but I know that, somewhere along the line, I forgot to sing.

    1. Oh, I appreciate the feedback — and not just the generous part about my writing. Yet again, I am reminded to SING! I’ve known that whether I am or not is an emotional, spiritual barometer. I’ve, in fact, been doing pretty well, having the time of my life writing and receiving amazing readers like you. But I really ought to be singing again. Thank you! And keep up the impressive writing. It is evident you care about every word. I’ll be back. I’ve wished I could stay longer but have needed to do justice to my integrative nutrition blog. Thanks for your time. Diana

      4. I have this song I wrote some time back. It’s probably been nearly a year now. I’m stuck on a part, and I know I should record what I have and forward it to my best friend who is sorta like my songwriting blood brother, so he can help finish it, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to record it yet.
        Have you ever listened to Greg Laswell?

      5. Nope. Funny….my husband’s been working on a slideshow through which I’d post a song I wrote.
        I can hear you’re downcast. I hope my duet with my boy blesses you (latest post). =) I’m not a Tomlin fan but if you happen not to know the lyrics, it happens to be one of his most beautiful songs. Blessings.

      7. I think a fair amount of silence might do the trick. If the entire world might shut up for a week or so – gimme two days to catch up on sleep, another to recline and drool copiously, and several more to read, write, and sing, then it would be ON, baby!!

    3. Re: the silence that oughta do the trick. It resonated with me. My husband can’t understand my craving for quiet when we are both musicians and he needs music all the time. I think it’s because I’m verbal in a way he’s not, and want to hear the voices in my head (which he thinks very funny. Teases me that I’m “mental”.) The silence you spoke of ended up in my last two posts.

      2. I was responding to Lucas’ first comment in this strand. Unfortunately, WP doesn’t show that by putting my comment just under his. 🙂

        I’m enjoying my wander around your blog so much. Would that full-time employment (necessary for my family) did not keep me from pursuing the holistic food practices you have developed. Time really is our great enemy and I continue to trust that somehow God will truly restore what the locusts have eaten in my life as well as the lives of everyone. I have been given a small glimpse of this in a close relationship which gives me great hope for the scope of what He can accomplish.

        God bless!
        JF

      3. In a close relationship with Him, you mean. JF? Thank you so much for pulling up a chair here. It is a precious, precious gift to find others with whom we resonate. I would love to revisit. See you — when time allows! Xxxxx Blessings. Diana

      4. Actually, I did not specify that God has restored a close relationship with a family member who I thought would always be far away (emotionally). It has been an incredible journey – reminds me of your words regarding Moses and how God’s timing doesn’t always suit us. 🙂

        More and more (the older I become) my hope is in the restoration of all things. If our decline through time and into death is the end, then there truly is no hope.

      5. That is amazing. As sinners, we each think we are always in the right. For hearts to soften and relationships to mend therefore – nothing short of supernatural. The gospel translates into the reversal of the effects of the Fall. Restoration. That’s what we see in Revelations…the tree of knowledge (harkens back to Eden)….Wonderful we can experience this in our own spirit and flesh.

    1. “Old” age is relative. Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I am struck by your clip on Daniel’s fight. I’ve a growing obsession with UFC MMA. My little boy’s been doing it a couple of years and I learned some moves from the MMA coach who’s been teaching my women’s self-defense the last year. I’m a fish out of water in this world. But I’ve gradually come to see the beauty in the art of war. I’ve been working on two posts on the topic. I caught Korean Zombie’s fight recently – After training his dream for years, he flew 30 hrs to Rio to challenge the 8-yr undefeated champ Aldo. And in heartbreaking pathos, dislocated his shoulder badly. I love your paragraph on the fight.

    2. To clarify, I believe I’d “liked” that post of yours earlier. I could care less for fighting back then. =) I am fascinated now, and saw that excerpt differently. Poignant story about your pregnancy.

    2. J, question on my gravatar (pic): when you open your email notification stating I liked your post, does my photo present itself immediately or is there a vacuous space and you see it only when you click on the word “profile”? Has your notice changed so that it now starts with “Good job! Holistic W…liked your..” The email used to declare, “Hol W thought your post was pretty awesome…” I’m having technical issues. Thx.

  23. Great post, and I think your last sentence “I exchange the disappointments and regrets for gratitude and hope.” is something that everyone needs to do at certain points in their life…as there really are not any disappointments, just life.

  24. “I’ve developed a compassion entirely alien to my nature and temperament. Hard to go through near-death training and have no empathy for those who suffer. It’s been one dogged climb against a steady rain of impossible setbacks. One step forward for every 2, 3 in reverse. I can’t figure the math on how I’ve ended up on higher ground, except for the grace of God and the stints of running He blessed. I have plumbed unchartered dimensions of heartache and blackness of spirit. Laid bare the nemesis FEAR, have come to see just how deeply it runs beneath my upsets.”

    I keep re-reading this passage, but after the first time, it’s become more difficult as the tears are blurring my vision.

    I’m glad you started blogging. It’s been wonderful to learn about you and feel that resonance.

    We just got back in from a book fair at school, time for dinner.

    Hugs. I’ll be back. =)

  26. […] We make a thousand choices each day. What to wear, what to eat, how much, which errand to run first, how to get there, what to say. Ever notice how one simple decision ushers you into a world of unforeseen events, some that are life-changing? In the aftermath of the accident you think, “Why did I have to turn on that street today?” March 6th last year, I brought over to WordPress the handful of posts I had started loading on Tumblr. Little did I know. I would never be the same on the Holistic Journey after putting up that first post Lessons from my 30s. […]

  27. Hmm… I see. This is what the 30’s are like huh. Something worth looking forward to. Though I’m not really sure what the feeling will be like when the reality of having lived 3 decades on this planet hits me! Such things take me much longer than the average person. Drowned deep in my thoughts about the first two and the impact they had, as well as how the last seven (God-willing) will reflect the life I chose to live. The 30’s seem like a roller-coaster ride, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually only to be rewarded with a beach-like experience in the 40’s (depending on what perspective you viewed each circumstance during the 30’s). Like you said, “There is no stumbling block that cannot transform into a stepping stone”.

    1. “when the reality of having lived 3 decades on this planet hits me!”

      WAAAaHHHH. You make me feel jurassic.

      “Drowned deep in my thoughts about the first two and the impact they had,”

      Why don’t you write up your own post? =)

      1. LOL. Sorry, didn’t realize it came out that way. It’s just how think I would feel when I do reach 30. Now my own post. I have decided it should be a reflection post. Something, “15 things I wish I knew and 15 things I learned.” I know that’s too long. I will come up with something shorter but the idea and direction of the post will still be there. Just have to wait.

      3. Yeah, that’s a strategic way to do it. Unexpected, different. Interesting. Will give it a shot, thanks.

  30. Hi Diana. Your first paragraph is something I wish I’d realised earlier in my life. I rely more on myself emotionally now, and am stronger for it. ‘To free people in their weakness’ is a gracious goal that I strive for, but to forgive myself as well (as long as I try not to make the same mistake twice). I relied too much on external validation but now try not to hang my self-worth or the equilibrium of my soul on external opinions. Just talked about that in my last post. Cheers 🙂

  32. Another great post. I found myself in my forties after nearly dissolving away in my thirties and it just keeps getting better. You are calmer, wiser and you can reinvent yourself into the person you were destined to be all along 🙂 You search out more of God, priorities are clearer and you benefit greatly from all the lessons learned the previous decade.
    This post really spoke to me because I can really relate. I’m optimistic fifty is even better! Lilka

    1. I love seeing how we jive, Lilka. =) Great descriptions of the mileposts in your journey. I’m not really an Oprah fan, not in the way many women are, but she did say her 50s were the bomb. That she stopped trying to please others and (to paraphrase) came into her own. Hey, let me know if you ever write your own Lessons from My 40s. =)

      Diana

  33. Wow, I didn’t realize you were so old. 😉 I don’t know what happened to you on your thirtieth, but I’m glad you’re better. Do you still dance? I want to see a video of your moves – I formally challenge you to a dance off! I do a pretty mean robot. It is true that what you eat is most important. But it’s so hard in our culture to keep healthy. I know hat you mean about friends – and I need to accept what you said about them having their own burdens. But it’s hard to at times when I feel like they’ve abandoned me. There were some that I spoke with daily that I haven’t heard from in years. That hurts, but then again, maybe I shouldn’t have invested so much in them. It’s when things are bare that I see who my real friends are. Sad, yet liberating.

    1. Gee, Scott. You make me want to punch you and laugh with you and give you a bear hug all in half-a-minute. There’s an Emmy writer for ya. So here’s the hArD punch for the age quip.

      I’m sending the dance vid in the next comment. If you get nothing, chk your Spam.

      I’ve learned to love my friends and hold them loosely at the same time. Those who’re for real will always be there – no matter the distance or how busy we all get. The rest, I take what they can give and stay thankful. Also helps that I’m stinkin’ busy on this Holistic Journey and would often rather talk to you guys than anyone live!

      1. That’s the reaction I was going for! 😉 I love a good hArD donkey punch! (yes, I’m ready for more conflicting reactions) Can’t wait!

        OK, I hear you. I just used to place so much stock in my friends, that it hurt when I realized my ‘best friends’ were anything but. Sounds lame for a man in his late 30’s to say, but I did lose some sleep over it…and not too long ago. I have since let it go (the cold never bothered me anyway). But every once in a while I’ll come across one of these former ‘best’ friends, and it still stings a bit. But you’re right, it’s made me appreciate and love the real ones even more.
        Haha, it is perplexing how we place so much emphasis on our blogging ‘friends’ interactions now-a-days. You stay busy on your Journey and keep inspiring us all, please and thank you.

      2. It hurts you like that bc you’re such a tender soul, Scott. And of course it hurts. Relationships are supposed to mean something. But some of the other recent comments here are right on. About depending less on others for emotional strength. I simply don’t take a lot of things personally (and I probably should LOL!!) Er – perhaps I’m too confident it’s not about ME. Ha ha ha. I’ll get back to you on your other comment this wknd. I’m about to shoot out another (this one short) post and sink into the black hole of fatigue. We rise early for my boy’s first MMA tournament!

      1. THANK YOU FOR THIS! Love it! I’m most intrigued by the film being projected on the screen. Which is it? I have ALWAYS loved movies, cartoons, etc. played without their soundtrack, but rather to other music.
        OK, I danced ‘competitively’ in high school. I need to dig up that footage. In the mean time, enjoy this robot performance on ESPN. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wapsFs5QZTE

    3. Wish I had an answer for you, but hubby said the ballroom owner had run the film. We don’t know. I love it, too. Lent class to the party. You gonna teach your boy how to robot? Ha ha ha. I’m sure he gets a kick out of your doing it.

      1. Ha, he already can kind of do the robot…not as good as me, of course. 😉 Ha, he and his sis figured out how to turn on the radio in the house and so we’re always having random dance parties!

  34. Lovely, D. To regard your trials as well as your blessings as you do is inspiring. Loved your Maya Angelou post too. I learned so much from that sage. She leaves a huge hole, but, hopefully, her wisdom will carry us through. Thank you.

    Fondly,
    E

  35. I love this whole idea of breaking up our lives in decades. There is a firmness and definition to them, and yet they are bendable and supple. There is no hard break, but a continual braiding from one year to the next. Beads of widsom, beads of being battered and bruised, beads of laughter, beads of heartache…each another marker on this long braid we weave with our experiences.

    My 40’s started with a bang of my sobriety, and in many ways, I felt like I was back in my 20’s, emotionally. Everything is new again in my 40’s (I am 43 now), in so many ways. It’s as if everything until now has been a dress rehearsal. Then again, this whole life is an opportunity to be in God’s grace and love and to do His will. It feels like in our 40’s we truly shed what has served (or perhaps not served) us until now and come to a new playing field. There is an authenticity to these years for me now, one that I didn’t have before. And it sound like it’s there for you as well. As if thing are coming to a head in these years, with less people pleasing and more inner landscaping at hand.

    Thank you for sharing this, Diana. I really did enjoy this, as I enjoy everything that you share with us.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    1. “with less people pleasing and more inner landscaping at hand.” Love it. I appreciate every word of the posts you leave me. =) Especially when they are lessons from ashes and heartbreak. Thank you dearly for your time.

      Xx
      Diana

  40. “Wish I had known earlier not to impose standards in my relationships,”
    Me too. Me too.
    “I can see why Israel’s desert wanderings lasted 40 years.”
    Now, that is funny. I spent three years in Sinai. (and in Israel)
    God was not there. Neither was Moses.
    Cheers HW.
    I will not bother you further.
    Great post, though.
    I always enjoy.
    Peace,
    –Lancer
    And, P.S. This is not me: trolling. This is me: speaking my mind. (as you have demonstrated, you have my email. You may flame me here, there, or everywhere. I stand by my sentiment)
    That said, I do love your writings.
    Surely I do.
    They may be over-my-simple-head, but I do enjoy.

    –L

    1. Hats off to one who was three years in the Holy Land – even though he missed God on that sojourn. =)

      I flame only those who deserve it, and I don’t see that you do here. You are always welcome to speak your mind on posts you read. *Grin*
      Trolling did not enter my mind. *wink*

  43. Dear Diana, sometimes we have to wander in the desert an awfully long time don’t we? So many lessons to learn, yet also circumstances wreaking havoc when they pull the proverbial rug out from under us too many times it seems. I was in hospital on my 40th birthday and rocking out with my twenty-something sons on my 50th. We’ve both come a long way baby 😉 xx

    1. Love your feedback, Sherri. Well, you’ve rocked with your dad and your boys. Now I’m waiting for you to shake it with the grandkids. =) And we both sure hAve come a long way ha ha ha.

      Love ya.

  45. Great post as always! I often find myself reading your posts saying to myself, ‘exactly!’ I especially liked the education jab – so true. “Sixteen years in the formal education system impart absolutely no working knowledge of two of the weightiest matters in life: how to eat and how to manage money.”

  46. “But there is no stumbling block that cannot transform into a stepping stone.” What an awesome statement! This will become a new mantra for me. Wonderful post, Diana, speaks directly to some of the things I have been thinking of recently.

    1. Oh, wonderful to know, Phyl, that it reinforced your thoughts of late. Gosh, so much happened in my 30s. More stepping stones than I would’ve asked for! =) I know you understand in your own way.

  47. D, what can I say other than your reflections ROck!!! Using your form of typing for effect. Thanks for letting us in your mind again, it’s a lovely place in there. I also like the spiritual tone to this post. That’s my girl!!!! Ok, so for sure this one’s going on my blog. It slipped my menopause mind for the one before but it still will get there. But this one, is so poignant and brilliant!!!

    1. My form of typing? Not sure what that is but I got the rest of it and sure appreciate the loving praise. Am just glad you were blessed. I’m sure you can write your own! I’d love you to. =) And I don’t even have menopause for an excuse: the other reblog completely escaped my memory in the flurry my life is.

      1. Well sometimes when you type something you will use big letters and small letter for emphasis in a word. So I was taking your lead and doing the same because it’s cute. I will do one when I turn 50 next year, and happy birthday D!!!

  48. I love this post, Diana. These are lessons I’ve been fortunate I suppose to have learnt in my two decades on Earth. And knowing God makes it all the more easier everyday 🙂

    1. Knowing Him sure does. Only, I wish I were wiser. I still have to relearn many of them. The lesson on expectations was a huge hurdle, though. So much lighter on the other side, not imposing them on people. Thanks for reading.

  49. Diana, sounds like your thirties brought so much grace and substance to you and your life with your family. And that your journey into the belly of motherhood led to an even bigger rebirth.

    “It was the decade I should have known better. Paid heavily for some stupid decisions. But there is no stumbling block that cannot transform into a stepping stone.” Can we truly ever no better until we do? I have gone back for “redos” and often discover that still I would have done it the same way. I love that a stumbling block is also a stepping stone- just depends on how you use it. Thanks for this nugget. I needed to hear that.

  50. We do indeed learn some lessons along the way but learning from our mistakes is a lifetime exercise. We are human! We do mellow over time and the temptation is to dwell on past mistakes rather than see them as learning experiences. The worldwide pandemic of depression is because people have not learned to do that.

My Two Gold Cents in the Holistic Treasury