It still hurts to swallow and I can feel I’m not quite drug-free. I managed to contain my thoughts this morning, not ramble into the thicket of fear or worry about bleeding and complications. Though it was cold – of course it was cold – I focused on the moment. Milked how nice the nurses were and asked for three more blankets after discovering the throws were fresh out of a warmer.

I abhor hospitals and all their close cousins. The forms to sign, the smell, those ugly scrubs the color of flat twilight. Why couldn’t the staff sport something more cheerful? The process, the incompetence that lurks and has no place where people are fearful and suffering. Yet there I was, dependent on the system and its machines to tell me if I can go on in hope, can count on a semblance of normalcy to my days. Or if I’ve been harboring anything unwelcome along my G.I. Like cancer.

It was my first time on the oxygen tube. I’d seen it only in movies and on old people. Between the nasal cannula and the faithful monitor, I felt like a fully certified sick person. I hated it.

They didn’t tell me it was going to be so awful. At least the surgeon listened to me; saw that at 85 lbs I didn’t need as much sedative as the others and gave me half the normal dose. They lay me on my left side and I soon realized I would not have been able to hang in beyond those ten minutes. It was rough, even violent, though that was no one’s intention. The bite block kept my mouth open, and prevented me from biting and damaging the tube. I learned exactly why I hadn’t been allowed to eat or drink all morning. I gagged and gagged, and the tears ran. When I continued to wipe my eyes outside the room, the nurse explained the Versed does that to a lot of people.

The good look down my esophagus and stomach showed all was clear. Still sore from one of the biopsies, I realize that one had been unnecessary. Why the hec didn’t the doctor see the stomach test I’d passed already? Important thing is my innards looked healthy and at least I left with cool photos for Tennyson. He just learned the parts of the digestive system last week.

I didn’t tell many friends, didn’t want to burden anyone. I don’t bother trying to explain to people the trouble I’ve had eating the last several years. One wonderful doctor of mine once said my life is difficult to describe. But pray, I did. Not so much for fear of dying but for the brute powerlessness of it all. You look in, you look out. And you see nothing but the unknown dark, hear nothing but the echo of your questions. For all your dreams and aspirations, you come up short face-to-face with your humanity.

You look up.

164 thoughts on “Twilight

  1. First let me say thank you for reading my blog. What I have written seems so insignificant in comparison to your powerful story. The last sentence in Twilight reminds me of the apostle Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 1,
    All praise goes to God, Father of our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One. He is the Father of compassion, the God of all comfort. He consoles us as we endure the pain and hardship of life so that we may draw from His comfort and share it with others in their own struggles. For even as His suffering continues to flood over us, through the Anointed we experience the wealth of His comfort just the same”.
    Looking at the response to your story it is evident that many have received encouragement and strength form your writing. God bless you on your journey my prayers go out to you for strength and health and that our Mighty God would continue to bless your writing.
    Cliff Craig

  2. Hello Diana, When I saw this I was upset I had not really been online for a month to see this! Then I went into action as you have done. Metaphysical symptoms of stomach and intestinal issues is “Life agrees with me. I assimilate the new every moment of every day.” Intestines is “I easily assimilate all I need to know and release the past with JOY!!! Seeing every challenge as an opportunity, every upset as a THANK YOU for helping me to see something I can clear up! So glad the challenge did not involve the “C” word and opportunity for “self ” is in discovering your own form of healing that may not have to “BE IN THE SYSTEM”. SENDING LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU MY FRIEND! Heart to heart Robyn.

    • Thanks for the love and light, my friend. You are fine – I am grateful for whatever time my awesome readers give me; you have your life and blog, too. =) I appreciate the FooD for thought (pun intended) and will be chewing on it. I stay far clear of the SySteM if I can help it. =)


      • Amazing that you stick to your blog with such tenacity! An inspiration for sure. Lately this hurricane weather has been getting my attention. Hurricane Anna has been brushing us here in Maui like a friend. Praying for our sister islands Kauai and Oahu as the hurricane crosses its outer bands into those islands tonight!
        Praying for your well being my friend. Heart to Heart Robyn

      • Thank you so much Diana, I had a computer glitch in my computer and could not type. I had to restore all previous info. Getting an Apple next time Windows 8.1 xxx for me.
        I am going on to your page now. Practicing my inner peace.
        Heart to Heart Robyn

  3. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I know it must have been a relief to you to know that all looked healthy. I guess you still have no idea though as yet why eating has not been an easy thing for you for awhile. Hope they find out something and can help you. Positive thoughts and prayers for you to be well. Hugs

    • Thanks for taking a moment, M. The results (which I have yet to get on the biopsies for any microscopic issues) actually confirm what my holistic practitioners have thought. I just have to watch my portions. There’s nothing Western Med can do. I feel the love. =)

      You rock.
      And keep up the awesome photography.


  4. Am I ‘m glad I read this. I am now going to the hospital everyday for radiation (breast cancer). This is my last week plus one or two days next week. It hasn’t been painful but side effects and feeling depressed having to go everyday. I am following you.

    • My deepest regards and cheerleading. You might, actually, find my nutrition blog useful – esp the How to Eat page:

      I’m not seeing you on my follows list but I appreciate the pledge of support.


  5. Diana, I’m so sorry you had to go through this and so glad that nothing was found. “The process, the incompetence that lurks and has no place where people are fearful and suffering.” So true. We are right to be fearful of hospitals and modern medicine and should resort to them only in critical situations where there is no alternative and where the advantages clearly outweigh the disadvantages. Trying to cure oneself through holistic or old fashioned trial and error remedies is relatively safe and low risk compared to using modern drugs and modern medicine, which opens up so much potential for new and unknown risks such as side effects from complex drug interactions.

    • Hence the HOLISTIC wayfaring. *grin* You can bet I was squeezed between a rock and hard place to have given in – finally. I know you understood this post all too well, MG. Thanks for letting me know you walked this one with me. I’d seen you weren’t active on the blog and am glad you’re back – both here and on WPress.


  6. I am mortified that the nursing staff wasn’t more in tune to your needs during your endoscopy. Also mortified that the doctor didn’t consider considering propofol for your comfort. I used to work in that specialty. Patients wake up with a smile and telling us it was the best sleep they’d had in weeks! ( It’s a short procedure and I am always amazed how rested people are after 10 minutes in the Endo suite. I am glad the test was benign. Your attitude is obviously what got you through the test!

    • They said it had to be moderate sedation bc the dr was going to ask me to move and switch position during the procedure, which he in fact didn’t. No one told me it was going to be like that and only afterward did the nurse say, “It’s a rough procedure.” The nurses were as good as I could hope before and after, in that world. I appreciate the sympathy.

  7. Hi Diana, I’m very sorry but I had no idea about this. I’v been away for a few months and now I’m keeping up again and the first thing I read today on your blog was this…. I’m sorry to hear you had to go through all this, but glad to know you had nothing! πŸ™‚ Sometimes it’s needed to get a confirmation. Thank you for sharing this powerful story in such a wonderful way. May you be blessed! πŸ™‚

  8. What a jorney! Hospitals remind me of my mortality too. This procedure is awful and I am truly sorry…
    The cheerfully colored scrubs exist! My daughter has some: cartoon characters or something like that. πŸ™‚

  9. You have my sympathies for your discomfort, and my joy for the good results. Having been married to a woman of 95 pounds who endured degenerative rheumatoid arthritis, I have some understanding of the extra difficulties a person of such delicate dimensions puts up with at times where us larger individuals might be able to brush certain things off. From now on know that you have the added power of my prayers also to draw upon, and please stay healthy, the joy I find in reading your Blog is very valuable to me. Take care and God bless.

    • Extraordinary kindness.

      Thank you so much for the loving, gracious support both in response to this post and my writing. You put it so well: delicate dimensions. We waifs feel what many can brush off or hardly notice. I would love to get up to 95. :/ For your prayers and the undeserving kindness, I will make it a point to get some fresh air this morning and stay mindful of my needs.


    • Thanks so much for taking a moment to encourage. I really try to keep it real here. Else we’re wasting everyone’s time, foremost our own. And it’s in that honesty walls come down and we build bridges, right? I am grateful for the follow.
      Welcome to A Holistic Journey.

      Talk again,

  10. I am supposed to have a colonoscopy next month and am terrified. I know the procedure is not as bad as what you went through, but I have never even been in a hospital for a stitch. The thought of the prep is bad enough, but then to go under. Scared of that, even scared of an IV. I am the biggest baby for sure.Been having digestive problems for well over a year, maybe longer.

    • I hear those scopes are not fun at all. Email me for something you can do to prep your mind and body to overcome the fear and help heal your digestion.
      holisticwayfarer at gmail dot com.

      And I put up the vid as you asked on the other thread. Hope it went through.

      • Thanks, I appreciate that. I would rather have the colonoscopy, than an endiscopy. My biggest fear is being put under.
        I will Email you as soon as I get a chance. I am scheduled for a consultation on the 8th, and then from there, schedule the procedure.
        I will check for the video.
        Thank you so much.

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