I’d have to face the ache of my longings. Go deep into the back room, unearth the box to surrender and and open it to see my heart bleeding. I know in my head my God is more than able to comfort and to provide as He pleases. But I’m like my boy has been – terrified over the sight and taste of his own blood, praying God remove the tooth without pain. Tennyson would rather eat and go about his day pretending he’s fine, that it doesn’t hurt. He is afraid of being afraid.
A Holistic Journey 
I can understand this.
Mmm. Thanks for sharing that, my dear Kate. I feel closer to you each post. =)
Beautifully and honestly stated. It resonates. Thank you.
Thx for the lovely feedback and for letting me know it struck. I keep it real with you all. =)
Diana
Transparently honest.
I’d be wasting your time and mine if I weren’t. =)
This speaks volumes.
Thx, buddy. Though I may not always succeed, I tRy to say more with less. =)
It’s sad yet hopeful ! I can relate, maybe I won’t be able to express how I feel but I get where you are coming from…Wish you best and love ❤
“I can relate” That’s what blogging’s about, isn’t it? =) And I think you may have put your finger on this blog. Sad but hopeful.
Absolutely, Blogging: Bringing people closer no matter what the distance ! 🙂
Been precious. =) Thanks to support like yours.
Well said! I can totally relate on so many levels. What the head knows is not always stronger than what the heart fears. Thank you for your transparency.
Appreciate the encouragement, Nicole. Diana
You said it …we didn’t. Lovely heartfelt post.
Thanks, M.
You are so welcome. Can you believe it everyone calls me M here, my children included:)
Ha ha ha.
Soul stirring honesty. Thanks Diana.
Gotta keep it real, right? =)
Works for me. 🙂
I’d have to put aside my ever IMPORTANT life goals to do it. Pride is a big problem!
*chuckle* Right. The pomp and circumstance of our plans.
You lost me!
You are funny, Rajiv. In one of the posts I was working on at the same time, was going to mention how, to my nice surprise, readers who don’t share my faith still get stuff out of my more “Christian” posts. Well there you go, sPLAT on that. And now I don’t get how you liked something you didn’t get ha ha ha ha. I do appreciate your staying with me. =)
I liked how you wrote the stuff that lost me! I am more agnostic/pagan than anything else..
I know you are. And that’s funny, how you like that ha ha ha ha.
In a loud world that tells us it’s shows weakness to be afraid… to say we do not know… to need something outside of ourselves… it’s hard to remember that those are all lies… and that we do need the comfort and peace that comes ONLY from God!!
I can relate… sometimes I think I can make a better life… a more “pain-free” life for myself outside of God’s involvement… another lie!!!
Well said, all of it. =) Thanks.
Once, I had a thing so painful, such an earth-shaking unanswered prayer that I quit praying. I swept farther and farther away on a river of sorrow. Then, I realized that I didn’t really have a choice about God. Without Him, there is nothing.
I just love this testimony, Ginene. Layers of wisdom. Since you ventured to share this much, may I ask what came of the THING, then? You make me want to go ahead with a series I was toying with.
I asked that my father not die. I believed. After, I felt that I had lost both my fathers. I knew the meaning of Fear of God. Years later, I realized the strength of “not my will, but thine,” and I was humbled, not kneeling humbled, but my face in the mud humbled.
Ah. *Chills*
Yes, that prayer on WILL certainly does it all, G. Wow. Your comments went right in line with a post I had to get up last night to catch on paper before I lost it to sleep. You make me want to post it now but I’d planned to wait.
Thank you for sharing something so painful, meaningful, and rich here. So much to learn from you and you enrich my journey.
Diana
That’s my experience, too. And littler things that have been prayed about for years with no answer. But then there are other things that happen within seconds of the request. Sometimes I tell God, you already know what I want, so I just don’t see why I need to ask you. But He reminds me that it is so that I will remember that it is He that answered, and then I will tell others so that they can experience the joy of following him. But I sure hate having to be patient!
Oh bother, that thing called patience!
Oh, there is a whole plethora of ideas in this comment! We are told we will always have daily bread and clothing if we follow Him, yet Christ prayed in the model prayer, “Give us this day our daily bread.” The idea there is to acknowledge where our bread comes from and to continue to ask for what we need.
Another thread here might be to remember to ask “according to His will” and not for selfish purposes. When our son was very small, he used to pray for trains, bicycles and the like. That was my opportunity to teach him what to pray for “as we ought.”
Don’t parents ignore kids who ask for things they do not need? When they need something and ask humbly, we are more than happy to respond.
The time will come.
*side grin*
A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”
The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”
So the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”
To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”
To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”
To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”
You and your clichés lol. This is a well-known joke among Christians but thanks. (For anyone who thinks I slammed him, this chat comes on the heels of my post on clichés.)
When you say the words, everything becomes real. The fear, the pain, the insecurities, become more than illusions. Our words give flesh to our emotions.
So well put, U, that last line. So happy to be writing with you. =)
Love,
Diana
Can totally understand! But when you can’t pray for yourself and it’s really really bad, then maybe you can ask someone to pray for you? That has helped me, as well as just saying the Lord’s Prayer (which just about covers everything I may want to say but couldn’t). Love and hugs 🙂
I know of the importance of fellowship and community. But it’s bad enough for me to think on the things that hurt, let alone verbalize them to someone else!
=)
Thanks for caring. And yes, the Lord’s Prayer was meant to cover it all.
Diana
“he is afraid of being afraid”…I know the feeling.
Love,
E
Yep. I know you do. Thanks for being here.
Luv back,
D.
Unfortunately, to remedy one discomfort another is necessary. When our trials are so great that they are beyond our control, turning to pray is the best use of common sense. Often belief in the incredible accomplishes the impossible.
To better days, Diana.
Alan
Your opening observation sure is true and wise, Alan. I have lived that out all too often. I’ve known what you then go on to say but I like how you put it, the belief in the incredible.
Your salute to better days is what this blog is about.
Thank you for walking w/ me.
Diana
It’s an honor and pleasure to walk with you, Diana.
-Alan
Awww, shoot.
“kicks carpet*
I’m still laughing over your response. Made my day!
-Alan
I relate to this. It’s odd how we don’t do something because we fear pain but the action if not doing it can cause more pain which we bear to avoid the former x
Very, very good dissection of our
stupidity. I really like it. And interesting that many related to this!
Xxxx
Diana
oh i relate to it lol
I’m glad that, unlike your boy, you’re not terrified of seeing your heart bleeding.
Not exactly terrified but the point was I certainly don’t want to open the box, be reminded.
I suppose we are all guilty of “looking within” and giving ourselves a score against what we feel are moral values. I can relax in my belief in God. He’s definitely on my side and has paid an enormous sacrifice to prove it. So while its good to check out our performance, messing up shouldn’t be frightening when we know He is on our side.
Of course I get it. But some things are just very hard to change or let go. I like how you put it, Ian, esp the ease and trust in His grace He bought for us. Thanks for the encouragement.
Hmmmm, are you doing okay Diana?
You know, you should just go ahead and take the plunge. I promise you, even though it’s scary at first, and may bring up some guck, it’s well worth it in the end. Very cleansing as well, I might add.
🙂
*chuckle*
I’m never okay. =)
Thanks. I took in every word.
Ohhhhh noooooo, never? Too busy? Too stressed? You make sure you take time out for yourself girl. It’s so important ok.
🙂 ❤
=) Thx.
WOW, you’ve discovered one of my great fears about praying. Prayer requires so much vulnerability and courage from me; I laugh at myself sometimes, as if God doesn’t already know where my heart is at. Very thankful for the grace and mercy given to us. So glad you’ve shared this post with us.
Huh. Interesting how many here could relate. I appreciate your letting me know. =)
Diana
As I read your post, Hebrews 12:2 came to mind. “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Like all of us (obviously!), I struggle with the suffering and the trials of life. But oftentimes, I struggle just as much, if not more in trying to envision the joy that God wants to bring out of the struggle. Oh to have the mindset that Jesus exemplified. For me, the goal is to trust God more!
Hey Deb, I love the wise reminder of the joy, our prize. I’ll be holding onto that today. Thanks so much.
Love,
me
“Afraid of being afraid.” Understandable because deep down you believe you’ll be left alone with that fear. Who wants that? Satan is wickedly clever in his deception.
“because deep down you believe you’ll be left alone with that fear.” Wow. Wonderful excavation. And this belief comes from the lie that God is neither able nor willing to take care of it. When “perfect love casts out all fear.” Thank you.
My experience:
First, I had to learn to trust. Then, I had to be willing to give up my pride.
(Neither were small feats and are still a challenge.)
But once I did, I was finally able to begin to heal. And that’s made all the difference.
Loved your honesty, Diana.
You guys are amazing. I don’t need a therapist. I can just come back to the comments. What the trust and pride have in common is surrendering our delusion of strength, that we can go on trying to protect ourself. Thank you, dear Jeff.
Peace to you. A sick child is a parent’s pain beyond description, that calls forth our deepest yearnings for life, for love, for wholeness. Eloquently written, this.
In case you misread, this wasn’t about my son’s being sick – bc he’s not. =) But by your logic and wisdom, my Father would want me healthy and whole in all regards. I am grateful for your blessing, A.
Well, I’m glad for that, and we call all use more peace!
Yes, I misread, and have reread, and I can only add amen to your thoughts. But silence too is a kind of prayer, perhaps the most important kind at times…
=)
Was very moved by your words, Diana. Also I love the parallel with your son… and you are so right. Who really wants to admit they are afraid? xo
We start with the confession. And drat, it only gets harder from there. =)
Raw and poignant Diana, so much in so few words.
Thanks, my friend. I’ve so appreciated your walking with me. I trust you got my email by now. =)
Just replied to it before I visited you Diana.
My reply isn’t going through on gmail. I put you down for that day. =)
Poignant truth for me too
❤ ❤
Mmm. I am surprised so many of you can relate. Thanks for letting me know.
Xxx
Diana
We’re all human weaklings… Thanks for writing with such honesty! 🙂 ❤ ❤
Have to keep it real. =) Thx for connecting.
I really appreciate your blog. ❤ Our youngest daughter has several knitting projects listed on the site you post to. She is a whiz. We may have other interests in common.
https://helpmeet39.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/keeping-busy-trying-to-leave-something-of-value/
While you are there, check out my PAGE link and click on "Inside Out."
Hi Beth 🙂 I’m pleased to meet you and look forward to following your blog! Your daughter has knitting projects on Craftsy and/or Ravelry? 🙂 ❤ ❤
Isharah Macon became a professional knitter before she was an adult. She read stacks and stacks of knitting books and tried everything she liked. Lately she has been homeschooling her children and does not have as much time as she used to have to knit. She picked up the continental method through the books she read, and can knit while she talks. 😉
I have to admit I did not fully understand this short message except that you related your lack of (or fear of) praying more to your son’s fear of his own blood. Am I right about that or am I being too literal again? We all know what we ought to pray about, but fear to admit our real needs at times.
Back in the early ’80’s, I asked God to help me pray more. I wanted to pray like I stood, but just forgot at times. Well, He did help me pray more! We went through a flood that filled our basement and came up about 36″ on our ground floor wall, our two babies just a year apart got bacillary dysentery, amoeba, protozoa and so many other things. I can’t begin to tell you what that year was like, but one thing for sure! I learned to pray daily, almost hourly. Be careful what you ask for.
Speaking of being too literal, I think I have figured out why I don’t write as well as I used to or as well as others write. I am too literal. What you see is what you get with me. I have been the steno, note taker, typist so long I can’t think like I used to. Maybe my brain is rewired.
I hate spell check! pray like I stood,
pray like I *should*
I did wonder about that. I almost thought, “Maybe she does have a shot at writing poetry….” Ha ha ha ha. I hope you’re laughing with me. (Wasn’t a jab I woulda made any other time but a response to the self-professed literal Beth.)
Ha ha ha actually, it wasn’t until your second to last line that I, yes, can see the stenographer in you LOL. Oh wow, B, what a story. That is one crazy prayer answered.
My boy’s fear happened to serve as a timely parallel to my own. Praying – in the fullest, deepest ways – would require that I face my deepest longings.
Hurts too much.
As to the story, I could have told you that more than one of us had typhoid and cholera and that our income was blocked by a silly bank error. For a time we had to live off the goodness of people poorer than we were. A neighbor whose compound wall was attached to ours at the back died. One day he was there weaving banana leaves into a new roof for his house and the next he was gone–dead from the cholera I survived.
Little by little I have been able to suppress some painful memories and rewire my brain to long for different ideals. Some day, if the Lord gives me time, eyesight, hands and a mind to write, I will write the whole history and the metamorphosis too.
You leave me without words.
But to say
yes, write it.
One reason I started blogging was to write, but time is running out and other jobs keep me jumping here and there to like a one-armed paper hanger..