Ready for His New Wife and What Men Really Mean

Mrs: How did you get me to marry you again?
Mr: Deception.
Mrs: Ah

***

Mr: I’m getting a dog when Tennyson goes to college.
Mrs: NO. It’s me or the dog.
Mr: (No comment)

***

Took over 10 years, friends, but I finally did it. Decoded Malespeak:

You look pretty, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
Mmm. You smell nice, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
That’s a nice outfit, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
What a great dish, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)

***

Mr: Here, let me take a picture of you.
Mrs: No. I’m chunk-a–munk.
Mr: Oh, no you’re not. I want a photo for when you die.
Mrs: ?????

***

Man’s own words

***

Mom: Remember it takes a year for the Earth to revolve around the Sun?
Boy: So that means the Earth’s revolved around it ten times since I was born?
Mom: Yes. As I have around you these ten years.

***

Mrs: It kills me that one day he will grow up and know heartache, that he’ll suffer at the hands of a girl. Pause. Women are powerful.
Mr: Yeah. It sucks. They take your HEART, they take your MONEY, your self-ESTEEM. They take EvErything.

***

[Speaking of postpartum depression]
Mrs: Actually, I haven’t been depressed since I met you. Pause. I’ve been pissed off like hell, but not depressed.
Mr: You’ve been too pissed to be depressed, ha ha ha.

***

On her last birthday:
*Taking wife’s hand, sentimental* Oh honey, when you were born, the angels…
the angels…laughed. Detour. They laughed…at me.

***

9 Years Old, bedtime:
Boy: Can you see me?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: Even in the dark?
Mom: Always. Even in the dark.

118 thoughts on “Ready for His New Wife and What Men Really Mean

  1. Ha! Sweet words. My hubby sometimes teases, “I’m going to get a new wife.” I think the look of sudden hope and wonder that passes over me is not quite what he was aiming for.

    Love the postpartum comment, too. Somebody once told me depression is just internalized anger. There really are chemical and hormonal influences going on too, but it’s a fact that we simply can’t be depressed and trying to choke someone at the same time.

    • ” I think the look of sudden hope and wonder that passes over me is not quite what he was aiming for.” LOL. That is so you.

      Hmm….but it’s probably quite possible to be depressed finding yourself being choked.

  2. I’m glad to see you back, I’ve been wondering about you. Your post makes me feel a little sad. I hope your troubles pass quickly, if indeed these are YOUR troubles.

    • Suffer heartbreak….or get sick…or injured….or struggle academically….oh, it’s a trip, this parenting thing. And you’re right. Husband’s all ready for a new wife and at least I can thank him for being transparent!

  3. This made me laugh, Diana. Love reading whatever you write. Relatable and funny. Hope you have slowed down a bit but apparently you have not. I read a reply to someone above that your writings have been published. I am so glad you are being recognized.

  4. Lol Diana, brilliant how you’ve learned to read behind the lines through the years. It takes a good woman to understand what our men our really saying. πŸ˜‰

  5. After 62 years of marriage, who remembers the dark sides of it?
    I was ill equipped to cope with nagging during a time when I was deeply troubled.
    These days some nagging comes up only very occasionally, and I think when it does come up a little bit, I never take it very seriously anymore and then it soon stops. Probably there are ups and downs in any marriage. How can it be any different?
    Married life is an interesting subject indeed, Diana. You can probably already write a whole book about it. I often think about it, why so many marriages end up in separation or divorce. And why so many children have to grow up with a single parent . . . . And why not all stepparent relationships are wholesome.

    • I like your thoughts here.

      Marriage is the initial commitment to “till death do we part.” The commitment makes us see it to the end–through sickness or health. But think of the poor partner that has to suffer through dementia or some disabling disease. These partners must grow to be giants inside. What could cause more suffering that taking care of a dying mate? Or what could be more lonely than having a mate that is losing his hearing–silent days because there can be no real communication.

      • I know, communication can be extremely difficult with hearing loss. When my parents separated, my mother lived alone for the rest of her life. She once told me when a widower had wanted to marry her she declined for she was scared that he might get sick and disabled one day and then she would have to look after him. This was one fate she did not want to suffer. She preferred to become very lonely in old age!

  6. Diana, what a return! So good to read your words once again. Though I don’t have children or a man in my life, you always make me feel the whole range of emotions with the words you write. And you gave me a chuckle, thanks for that! W​hat an incredible mind and imagination you have!!! Nice to see you. Welcome back! xo

  7. Di, I’ve discovered another side of you recently. When I googled “how to repair a worn shirt collar” you had commented there.

    I believe you know that men are physical while women are more emotional and that you hate the “men-speak” but love the man. Otherwise, why would you read a blog about how to turn a worn shirt collar?

    Let me ask one question. Why is it that men think women are just looking for muscle? It is because they focus on the physical and cannot see how women could focus on anything else? Supposedly, very few men write poetry; they would not dare admit they do. πŸ˜‰

    • That is funny. I’ve no recollection of commenting on any collars – unless it was someone’s old blog post. And ha ha, that’s right. We tend to think and see through the lens of our own preferences and love language.

  8. This is extraordinary, Diana, that you use the expression ‘Comedy Hour’!
    Our daughter and Son-in-Law lived with us for a while. Son-in-Law was always amused how Husband and I related to each other and used to call it the Comedy Hour. He often jokingly asked for permission to video us and show it to the world. He claimed he’d be able to make money with such a video because people would love to watch it so much. πŸ™‚

  9. Oh, my! πŸ™‚ This is perhaps off-topic, but really, somehow, that reminds me of the old clip “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going” by Billy Oceanβ€”with those ‘holistic’-looking-trio backing vocals..(you can find it on youtube, just in case) 🍸

  10. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I love these. I love that you have decided man speak I call it caveman talk. Ugh ugh grunt grunt those are the answers I usually get. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I hope all is going well with you. I love your sense of humor πŸ¦‹πŸ’œ

  11. This is hilarious, Diana! Thanks for the chuckles! As to worrying about him experiencing heartache, well, the worrying doesn’t end. Mine are 23 and 27, both doing well, but there is never a worry that doesn’t worm its way into our minds. And yes, Women are Powerful! Hope life calms down a bit for you…
    ~ Lauren

  12. These snippets of your life show such a perfectly warp-yet-well-adjusted between you and your wonderful family πŸ™‚ Mr. H has got the perfect male wit down pat, hilarious… and your last comment ‘even in the dark’ brings a smile to my face as I think of my wonderful Mom πŸ™‚ Cheers to a great weekend for you D.

    • You round the corner every time I think of you, R. Warped yet well-adjusted, lol. Sounds like people who can hold their liquor. And your mother, you say? Such an honor, but I absolutely can see her seeing you always and through everything.

  13. I love these snippets of life:). But my fave is your answer to being able to see your son in the dark. So many layers he doesn’t yet get to a mother’s steadfast sight:). Can’t wait until he does! Then the snippets will change, of course.

My Two Gold Cents in the Holistic Treasury

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