Mrs: How did you get me to marry you again?
Mr: Deception.
Mrs: Ah
***
Mr: I’m getting a dog when Tennyson goes to college.
Mrs: NO. It’s me or the dog.
Mr: (No comment)
***
Took over 10 years, friends, but I finally did it. Decoded Malespeak:
You look pretty, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
Mmm. You smell nice, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
That’s a nice outfit, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
What a great dish, honey. (I want to have sex with you.)
***
Mr: Here, let me take a picture of you.
Mrs: No. I’m chunk-a–munk.
Mr: Oh, no you’re not. I want a photo for when you die.
Mrs: ?????
***
Man’s own words
***
Mom: Remember it takes a year for the Earth to revolve around the Sun?
Boy: So that means the Earth’s revolved around it ten times since I was born?
Mom: Yes. As I have around you these ten years.
***
Mrs: It kills me that one day he will grow up and know heartache, that he’ll suffer at the hands of a girl. Pause. Women are powerful.
Mr: Yeah. It sucks. They take your HEART, they take your MONEY, your self-ESTEEM. They take EvErything.
***
[Speaking of postpartum depression]
Mrs: Actually, I haven’t been depressed since I met you. Pause. I’ve been pissed off like hell, but not depressed.
Mr: You’ve been too pissed to be depressed, ha ha ha.
***
On her last birthday:
*Taking wife’s hand, sentimental* Oh honey, when you were born, the angels…
the angels…laughed. Detour. They laughed…at me.
***
9 Years Old, bedtime:
Boy: Can you see me?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: Even in the dark?
Mom: Always. Even in the dark.
Clever musings from the dark side of marriage and motherhood. 🙂
We need the dark side to appreciate the bright, right? =)
Yup and adds some spice to life. 🙂
so how did you get access to “The Man Code Book”? probably by deception.
The superpowers kicked in late. But once I cracked the code, man, it all made sense.
His new wife.
********** Same old husband.
Ha! Sweet words. My hubby sometimes teases, “I’m going to get a new wife.” I think the look of sudden hope and wonder that passes over me is not quite what he was aiming for.
Love the postpartum comment, too. Somebody once told me depression is just internalized anger. There really are chemical and hormonal influences going on too, but it’s a fact that we simply can’t be depressed and trying to choke someone at the same time.
” I think the look of sudden hope and wonder that passes over me is not quite what he was aiming for.” LOL. That is so you.
Hmm….but it’s probably quite possible to be depressed finding yourself being choked.
Even in the dark. Yes.
God I missed u, D. Plz find time for writing.
So sweet. I’ve been doing the writing outside the blog, actually publishing a little here and there. I am split 10 ways.
Xxxxx
Great news…I miss your poetry though.
Aw….thanks so much. Hope you are well!
Xxxx
On vacation so…hell yes.
Ha ha ha. NiCe!!! Have a margarita for me!
Nice! 🙂 Funny and real … that goes without saying!
Too many things to cry about. Gotta laugh. Learned that from a friend. *wink*
Beautiful mind, D, beautiful mind.
I hope you don’t mean the mind that’s drawn up Plan B for his marriage. LOL.
No, my dear. Lol
ROFL… A dog is way cuter than a second wife! Why won’t you let him have a dog?
Ha ha ha ha. Dogs. Don’t. Wipe. Themselves. After. The. Bathroom.
I’m glad to see you back, I’ve been wondering about you. Your post makes me feel a little sad. I hope your troubles pass quickly, if indeed these are YOUR troubles.
Ha ha ha. Is there not worry enough in the world? Think of the migrants on the other side of the world. I dare not steal the regard due them. Other than slapstick jabs over here, I have been just incredibly busy and now, getting ready for the new school yr. Thank you, K!
You’re not stealing anything. If I only thought of all the suffering in the world there would be no joy in my heart and my life would be worthless.
Laughing. Point well taken. Well, thank you for being sure to reserve concern for mY welfare. =)
Always a pleasure.
Good that you’re back! Love this cleverly written post. Thanks for the chuckle this morning! 📚 Christine
So nice to hear from you, C. Hope you and the loved ones are well. It’s been my busiest summer since T was born!
I think the hardest thing about raising children is realizing they’ll probably face heartbreak. Men are pretty transparent, aren’t they? Ha!
Suffer heartbreak….or get sick…or injured….or struggle academically….oh, it’s a trip, this parenting thing. And you’re right. Husband’s all ready for a new wife and at least I can thank him for being transparent!
I started to ;pick my favorite. It was too hard to choose just one!
Ha ha ha. Table of options. But the way he’s got himself all ready for the next wife is kinda hard to beat!
This made me laugh, Diana. Love reading whatever you write. Relatable and funny. Hope you have slowed down a bit but apparently you have not. I read a reply to someone above that your writings have been published. I am so glad you are being recognized.
Thank you, Yvonne. Modest achievements, to say the least, but I am grateful. I hope you and Danny esp are more than functional. Would love an update.
Love seeing you back!!!
Such a great post that had me laughing and then at the end sighing with my heart feeling tugged and saying “Awh!!,
Oh, to play with heart strings. =) I appreciate the welcome. Hope things are good.
Xxxx
Thank you for coming back! I loved today’s post! No one says it like you. Love your language.
Hi R! Well, I had a lot of help on this one, ha ha ha. I appreciate the greeting. Hope you are well.
Xxxxx
Lol Diana, brilliant how you’ve learned to read behind the lines through the years. It takes a good woman to understand what our men our really saying. 😉
Well, what we DO with those hard-won secrets is what makes us good, but that’s another post. =)
Or many more! 🙂
Very clever, D. I’d like to think we can see everyone in the dark, even on our darkest days 😁
How we need that in America right now.
“Oh honey, when you were born, the angels…
the angels…laughed. Detour. They laughed…at me.”
This made me laugh so hard.
I haven’t stopped laughing.
Do you know what an achievement it is that we made YOU laugh? =) Although in all fairness you did take a turn the last yr or two posting inspirational stories.
Hi Diana!!
It’s been a really long time! I hope all is well with you….
Rolain
Guess who crossed my thoughts this summer? Hope you are well, buddy. Thanks for popping in. You always bring sunshine.
Describing how life is can be so difficult at times but the main thing is that by God’s goodness and grace I am here. I enjoy our talks even if it’s for a little bit and spaced out in time.
“how life is can be so difficult at times”
No kidding. I love how you always preach the Gospel to yourself, R. Onward and upward.
Xxxx
Have a great weekend Diana!
Hilarious! Missed your posts, D!
=) Have missed you guys. Thx for popping in, C. Hope it was a good summer.
After 62 years of marriage, who remembers the dark sides of it?
I was ill equipped to cope with nagging during a time when I was deeply troubled.
These days some nagging comes up only very occasionally, and I think when it does come up a little bit, I never take it very seriously anymore and then it soon stops. Probably there are ups and downs in any marriage. How can it be any different?
Married life is an interesting subject indeed, Diana. You can probably already write a whole book about it. I often think about it, why so many marriages end up in separation or divorce. And why so many children have to grow up with a single parent . . . . And why not all stepparent relationships are wholesome.
My husband touts his noble ability to forgive and forget. It’s more like forget and forget, for the amnesia.
Yes, let of steam and then be is loving self again. It took me years to live with it, like forgive and forget! 🙂
I like your thoughts here.
Marriage is the initial commitment to “till death do we part.” The commitment makes us see it to the end–through sickness or health. But think of the poor partner that has to suffer through dementia or some disabling disease. These partners must grow to be giants inside. What could cause more suffering that taking care of a dying mate? Or what could be more lonely than having a mate that is losing his hearing–silent days because there can be no real communication.
I know, communication can be extremely difficult with hearing loss. When my parents separated, my mother lived alone for the rest of her life. She once told me when a widower had wanted to marry her she declined for she was scared that he might get sick and disabled one day and then she would have to look after him. This was one fate she did not want to suffer. She preferred to become very lonely in old age!
A woman finally caught on to us guys.
I plead the 5th!
Heh! You hold onto that 5th. Can’t win either way. ^ ^
Clever, Diana. I could relate to the mother-son exchanges. My kid is my sunshine (most of the time) and I can see her in the dark. 🙂
Ha. Most of the time. That light has dimmed here as Boy pushes into puberty. I know he has to find his way, but the battles can be tough!
Adolescence is a challenge for everyone. Good luck!
Diana, what a return! So good to read your words once again. Though I don’t have children or a man in my life, you always make me feel the whole range of emotions with the words you write. And you gave me a chuckle, thanks for that! What an incredible mind and imagination you have!!! Nice to see you. Welcome back! xo
I did have some good help with this one. =) Good to hear your voice, T. Hope you are strong as we round the corner into a new season.
Xxxx
Thanks, Diana!! 😘
I love these gems of knowledge and wisdom.
Of perspective…and survival. =)
I agree.
Good to see you peeking out from the covers Diana – you got the man thing covered – had a good laugh or 6 😀
A pro, for sure. The seed for a book here. =)
Di, I’ve discovered another side of you recently. When I googled “how to repair a worn shirt collar” you had commented there.
I believe you know that men are physical while women are more emotional and that you hate the “men-speak” but love the man. Otherwise, why would you read a blog about how to turn a worn shirt collar?
Let me ask one question. Why is it that men think women are just looking for muscle? It is because they focus on the physical and cannot see how women could focus on anything else? Supposedly, very few men write poetry; they would not dare admit they do. 😉
That is funny. I’ve no recollection of commenting on any collars – unless it was someone’s old blog post. And ha ha, that’s right. We tend to think and see through the lens of our own preferences and love language.
Great stuff Diana! Still laughing.
-Alan
Should I find this amusing?! Well, perhaps not the anecdotes, but it’s the way you tell ’em!
Ha ha ha, I see. But yes, I have availed our marriage for the amusement of many.
Great writing, Diana, with your witty sense of humor. I have laughed a lot.
Credit goes to the Mister, of course. We are always here when you need some Comedy Hour. =)
This is extraordinary, Diana, that you use the expression ‘Comedy Hour’!
Our daughter and Son-in-Law lived with us for a while. Son-in-Law was always amused how Husband and I related to each other and used to call it the Comedy Hour. He often jokingly asked for permission to video us and show it to the world. He claimed he’d be able to make money with such a video because people would love to watch it so much. 🙂
*laugh* He should! I’d love to see. =)
Ha Ha !!
The things you say to Tennyson… SO SWEET ☺️
=) Was thinking of you. Thanks for letting me know you caught this. Hope it’s good things that kept you away this yr.
It’s been a difficult year, but it’s good now. And will only get better still 🙂 Thanks for the good thoughts.
Oh, dear. Ok, I love the assurance for what’s ahead. Hug.
The truth is out at last. “Women are powerful.” Thank you for confirming this, I thought only I had discovered that the day after my wedding. 🙂
You thought you’d stumbled on some strange secret! The past many decades have not been a delusion.
Yes Oh Powerful One! LOL
Oh, my! 🙂 This is perhaps off-topic, but really, somehow, that reminds me of the old clip “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going” by Billy Ocean—with those ‘holistic’-looking-trio backing vocals..(you can find it on youtube, just in case) 🍸
I love this!!
At your service.
Hah, well. No comment. 🤭
You just commented. ^ ^
It’s like when you say you have something big to tell that you won’t tell. lol.
😂🤭
😂😂😂 I love these. I love that you have decided man speak I call it caveman talk. Ugh ugh grunt grunt those are the answers I usually get. 😂😂😂 I hope all is going well with you. I love your sense of humor 🦋💜
LOL. Well, seems my cave man’s pretty eloquent. But no wonder my words go over his head. Many more syllables than grunts.
Yes he is. I love this post. Have a beautiful Sunday ✨☀️💖
Yes. Even in the dark. 🙂
And the blinding hail and blizzard. =)
Yep. A parent’s job. 🙂
Be good, Dear.
Love it. Solid gold, as usual. Thanks for the smiles.
Hey, L. You did your own smile-making.
Xxxxx
This is hilarious, Diana! Thanks for the chuckles! As to worrying about him experiencing heartache, well, the worrying doesn’t end. Mine are 23 and 27, both doing well, but there is never a worry that doesn’t worm its way into our minds. And yes, Women are Powerful! Hope life calms down a bit for you…
~ Lauren
Gosh, each stage offers its own bag of worries, huh? Really makes sense to stick with today’s share of ’em!
Glad you’re back. 🙂
Eh…managed to stick one foot out here. The other still running around with the demands of a new school year.
These snippets of your life show such a perfectly warp-yet-well-adjusted between you and your wonderful family 🙂 Mr. H has got the perfect male wit down pat, hilarious… and your last comment ‘even in the dark’ brings a smile to my face as I think of my wonderful Mom 🙂 Cheers to a great weekend for you D.
You round the corner every time I think of you, R. Warped yet well-adjusted, lol. Sounds like people who can hold their liquor. And your mother, you say? Such an honor, but I absolutely can see her seeing you always and through everything.
I love these snippets of life:). But my fave is your answer to being able to see your son in the dark. So many layers he doesn’t yet get to a mother’s steadfast sight:). Can’t wait until he does! Then the snippets will change, of course.
They’ll change just when they finally begin to mature? This is the toughest ride, parenting! I hope your soldier-man is doing well. I know yOu have some major changes greeting you next time you see him. He’s the one who left but it’s so much your journey.
Just Put your hands up and scream. Just like on the roller coasters :-).
You mean I have to do it louder??
Reblogged this on quirkywritingcorner and commented:
Sound familiar? My husband is quick with the one-liners!
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed. =)