PMS: Premeditated Murder Syndrome

Stand back or I’ll shoot. Unless you’ve brought chocolate. No, not that kind. *Godiva takes bullet, falls from blogger’s hand* Lily’s With Stevia. Extra Dark. Or anything fried, like yesterday’s KFC. Can you believe that? No one, nothing made me do it but the insufferable hormones. And why does the world have to choose this week, of all the ones in the month, to be uncooperative? The burrito that took as long as the Second Coming, homeschool boys, my own body withholding sleep. Husband, KEEP AWAY! For the sake of our marriage and grandchildren, your very breath, stay in the master and I will stay out. Some things are just not worth attempting under constraining circumstances. Conversation. Eye contact. Love. Why is the sun so bright, the cherry blossoms so pretty? Why are you all here?? There you go. *Toss* All I have are three bullet-proof vests for the first commenters. The rest were warned. Men are targets because they are men, women for being women. The others because they’re pets sleeping at the feet of computers. I’m going to have a word with you someday, Eve. I bet you didn’t bleed in Eden. That’s why Adam loved you, because he was unfamiliar with PMS. And you thought it was unconditional. Bloody sacrifices came after the Fall so there was no blood in the Garden. Paradise included smooth hormones and you had to have more, sweet-talked your man into taking the apple. You wretched woman, bringing this curse down on us. I’ll show you curs — !@#%^&!^!!!

 

106 thoughts on “PMS: Premeditated Murder Syndrome

  1. Diana, there will come a “Year” when PMS is a thing of the past. My sympathy till then. Flowers to made it better! 🌺🌷🌸 and music 🎶🎻🎼🎸Christine

    • Ok, this bouquet is even prettier than the cherry blossoms that I have to take them. *seize* And I LOVE Yo-Yo Ma! Thanks. You might help me get through today but I don’t know about tmrw.

  2. I laughed out loud when I saw your title: Premeditated Murder Syndrome. i remember the days. Being in my 50s, most of the agony is gone now. But I still have a monthly pure chocolate thing going on.

    • Whether anyone believes in it was (obviously) besides the point, which was the humor. It is one thing for someone to get on one’s soapbox on one’s own blog. You can do whatever you want in your house. It’s another to step into someone else’s space with a rude comment. I’ve deleted the link for the language and suggest you leave things be.

      • There was no bad language in the link I left. A reader did see one of his own pictures on a post I did that had no such thing though, suggesting a man-in-the-middle. I posted a link to the Wikipedia article on Discordianism. Started getting anonymous threats in my email may 7. Apologies if my faceless digital harasser changed it in transit, but I can’t do anything about that.

      • There was very strong lang below the part you were referring to. Apology accepted. It’s all good. Now you might want to pull back, get some air, as I’ve used up all the bullet-proof vests. 😉

  3. This is brilliant and hilarious! I feel pretty much exactly the same during pms. Men have it so easy and definitely don’t understand that pms is a real thing and we’re not just making excuses. Really loved this!

  4. I-can-relate-as-in-RIGHT-NOW! I prefer to spend money on vacation rather then bail, so I’ll finish off my cupcakes and all will be right and safe and sensible in the world. Until next month.

  5. My mom used to tell me that she would testify at my trial, in the event I actually did kill someone, that it was indeed PMS! I guess I was awful. Thankfully I no longer have that unwelcome monthly visitor.

  6. Ahh the days when everyone and everything was a target. Inexplicable moods and swings and all you want is for everything to die!! (aka: Go to nearest garage/closet/store and hide)
    Yep, feel ya…it’ll get better. I promise!
    …my fav thing? -> heating pad on ‘highest level’ curled into it with pillow and book and chocolate and mocha coffee and best movie you can pull out and watch.

    P.S. Voodoo doll on bedside table with pins in reach….(just sayin’)

  7. This is hilarious. Sometimes no one knows what’s coming. Even you don’t know what’s coming until it is the aftermath and you wonder what the heck possessed you. Sometimes chocolate doesn’t even help, agreed. No matter how much.

    • “Even you don’t know what’s coming until it is the aftermath and you wonder what the heck possessed you.” Spoken like a pro. When it lifts, I feel like I’d been under a wicked spell. It wasn’t me, Your Honor.

      • Sometimes it takes days for it to lift…and before you know it, you don’t know what’s going on again. Our body and mind have lives of their own *shudder*

      • Den 10 juni 2017 15:42 skrev “A Holistic Journey” :not

        Mabel Kwong commented: “Sometimes it takes days for it to lift…and before you know it, you don’t know what’s going on again. Our body and mind have lives of their own *shudder*”

  8. LOL!! Thinking your hubby may need to go away for a couple days. 🙂 This is very good, so true! Though I am not sure which is worse, me going through it or having a dear daughter that goes through it!! I tell her to Buck up, she has a LONG time to deal with it, while I have a end in sight. 🙂

  9. As all of the bullet proof vests are sold out now, I better keep my mouth shut. 😉 Or not: The Dutch have a nice answer when confronted with all kinds of not-nice-things: They wish each other “sterkte” – means “strength”. No elaborate phrases, just one word. Sterkte.

  10. Thank you for sharing this original piece of writing. A perfect cocktail mixture of seriousness and humor, which is what life is about after all. I like how you connect all the words together dealing with so many diverse topics — the food, the husband, a woman’s feelings during PMS, etc. — , sometimes using just one or two words in a sentence. The bullet topic in the beginning creates action and arouses interest in the reader. It is vivid and agile writing.

  11. I’m laughing. Even Peggy is laughing, but fortunately she left her periods in the past. Now there are only commas and full speed ahead. Is that an example of God’s Grace? Lucky for me. As a young woman she was the national NRA champ with a rifle. I hid all of the guns when I married her. Still there are times when I need to head out the door with my backpack, or bring dark chocolate, expensive dark chocolate. Glad you mentioned that. Men take heed. D, you are just too funny. –Curt

  12. Talking recently, and hubby mentioned that trans-persons (like Bruce/Kaitlin Jenner) who ‘think’ they want to be a woman, but are missing out on the ‘joy/reality’ of PMS. Those people are just kidding themselves!

    On another note, you do know that all women do not get to experience fluctuating hormones. Just us lucky women. May you survive without killing your loved ones!

    • So the Jenners want to have their cake and eat it too. I think womanhood comes with too many liabilities to get away with an easy ride.

      As for those with bona fide steady hormones, that is supposed to be a sign of good health. Yeah, us lucky ones! Fried food and chocolate almost make up for it.

  13. Diana, you don’t mince words do you? This post should be required reading for any man contemplating marriage. It is a condition that lasts almost 40 years! LOL.

  14. Ah yes:). Hormones. Which were never really a problem for me until now. Oy. Perhaps we could redefine “bitchy” together. From the doctor who tries to advise me on my mindfulness (which he knows nothing about) to the 50-somethings who never got the message they were out of high school (mean girls), I was ready to blow this week:).

My Two Gold Cents in the Holistic Treasury

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