The Idiot’s Guide to a Happy Marriage: For Men

If you haven’t figured out these tricks by now, time may still be willing to save your relationship. So here we go. Those few days out of the month:

angry-woman1. Keep a spare pair of boxing gloves on hand for defensive blocks. Think of it as a workout. Build muscle and coordination. How nice, you don’t even have to go to the gym. Hey, give it ten years and you’ll be looking sharp and buff. You should thank her.

2. Accept the fact that you are stupid and anyone who goes near her is too. She has a soft spot for the kids but keep kickable pets away.

3. Try extra hard to pretend you’re listening. You just might get away with it if you look up when those lips start moving faster than you can handle.

4. Here’s your chance. Fix something, anything. The shingles on the roof, camera tripod, all the stuff you love tinkering with when you’re not napping. Break it first behind her back if you have to – but be sure you can FIX it!

5. Don’t forget the trash. Gosh, don’t forget the trash.

Bouquet26. You know the Yes, Dear that you haven’t been practicing? Well, good news. The premarital advisers were wrong. You don’t have to say it all the time. Statistics prove the abracadabra works when employed just two days a month. Pick your hardest days. Takes less than two seconds – that’s not even four in a painful week. Wow, a year’s worth of peace in 48 seconds. Tell me of a cheaper, faster kind of relationship therapy out there.

7. Take her out. A movie will keep her quiet and entertained. She may even laugh. But if the trip alone with her in the car scares you too much…

8. What does she like? Play her favorite song. Bring home flowers. How could you forget she’s craving sweets? Run her a hot bath, get her out of your hair for half an hour.

FinalWeddingSolo9. Remember why you wanted to marry her. The way she looked the day you met. (Her body.) Her mind (her body), her spirituality (her body). In fact, make that a wedding photo on your screensaver or phone. Take saving advantage of your visual facility and stare at the picture until you hypnotize yourself into believing that person’s still in there. Somewhere. People have been using guided imagery to conquer phobias and lose weight for centuries. You can do it, rescue your beloved from the premenstrual invasion of the Body Snatcher.

10. If all else remains lost, cry. Since you can’t beat her, join her. No need to admit you’re weeping over the death of your dreams. S Impress her with how deep and sympathetic you can be and experience together a new level of rapturous communion that’ll usher in a fresh love. Not a big deal you’ll have to do it all over again in a month. You’ll feel so much better.

And Happy 10th Anniversary to the Holistic Couple.

Holistic Love Doctor, M.LoveEd., Ph.D., HMFT, LoveL.Ac., L.HChVoodoo

302 thoughts on “The Idiot’s Guide to a Happy Marriage: For Men

  1. I once read that fellows should start by apologizing. If one is unsure what they are apologizing for, follow said apology with intense listening and the matter will undoubtedly be cleared up. Enjoyed the list.

    Congratulations on your anniversary. What a wonderful milestone to celebrate.

  2. First, congratulations on 10 years of marriage! Second, I love this list! Third, where was it when I needed it–to inform him of the many benefits of this wondrous time of the month? Fourth, maybe I can fake it once a month–you know PMSing it like I used to? On fifth thought, I just want him to do #4 once or twice a month.

  3. I would say, “Where were you when I needed you?” But you weren’t born then! Love all of it. We have kept it together and grown closer and laugh together most of the time now after 56 years of marriage, but there were some close calls. One was when I was pouring out my feelings in the wee hours and since he couldn’t fix any of it, he took his only way out. He went to sleep.
    When I paused tearfully and heard the snores, I lost it. I got the kids’ baseball bat and stood over him with bat gripped in shaking hands for several scary minutes. He didn’t know for years how close he came to death that night. 🙂

  4. First, Happy Anniversary, Holistic Boxing Couple!

    Thanks for the random chuckles. Yes, when in doubt fight it out. Might I add, make eye contact when she’s talking about topics close to her heart, then ask a supporting question, one in favor or not, I don’t care, just invest in her life’s windows.

    Enjoy your weekend, Diana

  5. Love the list, especially about the Yes Dear.

    The best piece of advice I got before getting married was from one of my soon-to-be wife’s uncles. He was speaking of wives in general and he stated “they’re gonna do what they want any way, so just sit back and enjoy the ride”. Very true!
    In five days we will be celebrating 20 years.

    Happy Anniversary to you two crazy kids…ha ha.


  6. A very happy anniversary, and many, many more to you two! The good laugh you gave me (us) here tells me that you don’t have to worry too much about communication and can work through pretty much any old thing that gets thrown in your mutual path. No matter what time of the month or year of the marriage! I can say from the years that have zipped by Richard and me that what is good enough to marry for, if treasured and remembered consistently as you’ve recommended, also gets better and better with the passing years. Bonus points!

    Love and joy be yours for a lifetime!


  7. Remember why you married her?
    That’s a tough call indeed.
    Then again, only time tells of good or bad calls.
    Until then, since I can’t beat her,
    I’ll join her.
    No need to cry though.
    Very inspiring.

  8. I did not look to see what day this was posted, but it had to be a while back. I am just now catching up with some reading–long story best left untold. Today is my anniversary, number fifty-three in fact. If you follow my Facebook page I have a small photo there. I haven’t the courage to blog about it, though I thought of writing an ode to my beloved.

      • I am not sure why my last comment showed a different avatar, but I am back to the old one this time.

        I *hate* Facebook and the whole idea of blasting oneself all over the net, but I feel the need to read what my family says there. I only have children, nieces, nephews and cousins as “friends.” How is that for snobbery?

  9. What a beautiful bride! Love the guide. Happy Anniversary. May you grow old gracefully together (or clumsily) and deepen the connection you have and I hope you and your beau can samba yourselves silly well into your golden years xo

  10. Oh man number 3. The challenge is that the people I’m surrounded with make me get into atuo-zone out mode. I’m a contemplator, the worst kind of person to blabble on about nothing with. Unfortunately the only words I will see through her lips are, “What’s your point?” Oh the torture, Diana, the torture!

    Number 10 might just be the game changer, then again, it is so hard to do. Congrats to the Holistic Couple. It is kind of relieving to realize that, given everything mentioned in the post.

  11. Happy anniversary Diana 🙂

    I really have to work on “point number 3”, I am a very poor listener and now trying to improve 🙂

    Really enjoyed this post and I’ll certainly certify all these 10 points 🙂

    Have a great time …

  12. Happy anniversary Diana another year crossed off is good. The most important one which I am sure you have, judging by this post. Keep that sense of humour handy, especially when you war over stupid things. We laugh at how silly we can get sometimes. Im lucky I can tick some of these off and received flowers yesterday as I told Hubs Im feeling a bit down on my looks/weight now that Im fifty. He brought home flowers and told me I was beautiful. Now there’s my motivation to keep healthy and I am walking and doing weights again. What would we do if we couldn’t laugh about life and marriage.

    • Aw, love it, K. He sounds wonderful. It really doesn’t take much on either side to please and comfort, does it? You inspire me to get back to the workouts. Thanks so much for sharing and sharing in this. =)


  13. 1) Though my back aches a bit, now and then,I think I am, by and large,fit. There could be other reasons than grappling with her, for most of which too, I need to be thankful to her. 2) Thank God,I don’t keep pets, but for other reasons like say my allergies. Spared us a lot of trouble from the animal rights activists 3)I am a little bit hard of hearing normally, the ‘little bit’ turns to ‘absolutely’ when occasions demand 4)Trash? Yes,I keep it in my mind. 5) “Yes, dear ?”, it rolls on my tongue as effortlessly as honey does on her lips. 6) No problem on this count, she’s not a movie buff and I permit her to hold the TV remote 7)She looks by and large the way I first saw her, no I’m not kidding. I don’t know how to hypnotise myself. But I know for sure she can. 8) My dreams haven’t died. Yes, they have changed, as hers have too, over the over four and a half decades since we came together first.
    Nice post. By the way is your spouse a blogger too?

    • *Swallowing chuckle* You become absolutely hard of hearing, do you? At least your eyesight’s held out and so has her looks. That saves it all, doesn’t it? Ha ha ha, that’s right. We women can go ahead and try the self-hypnosis. I’ll be sure to take my own advice, try my medicine. LoL.

      I really like what you say of dreams.
      And no sir, he is not.

      Thanks so much for being here. =)


  14. This is just beautiful and perfect…and unfortunately a few years (OK many years) too late 🙂 Congratulations on a wonderful (yes?!?) ten years and that is one beautiful bride in the photo above! Cheers to another decade and more ~

    • Sigh. Many yrs too late, eh, my friend? Well, the worst enemy of the BEST is the GOOD. I know the stars (speaking of elements) will align and you will find your best. =)

      “Congratulations on a wonderful (yes?!?) ten years LOL.”

      Er…yes. LOL. Thanks, R.

  15. Well, I know a lot of this is said with humor, and in jest, but take it from someone who is on her 3rd marriage. The first one lasted 5 years, the 2nd lasted 10 years and I’m on year 15 with the third so at least I’m heading in the right direction and I’m getting too old now to want to try it again with anyone else. But seriously, looking at the mistakes I made in the first two was because I tried to change him into the person I thought he should want to be. I had the insight to know that if he only followed what I thought was best for him he would be great, forgetting why I loved him in the first place. Seriously, this worked. I don’t criticize. I ask him to do things I want for him to do and he gladly does them. I never make him think, “why didn’t you see this needed to be done? I’m not your mother!” Even though I shouldn’t have to thank him for doing ordinary things, I do, and I don’t expect him to thank me in exchange. I just want him to know I noticed. So it’s all about respect and appreciation, and if you can do that you have a much better chance of staying together.

    • Jamie, I appreciate your sharing lessons learned the hard way (do we learn ’em any other way?).

      “I tried to change him into the person I thought he should want to be.” What a perspective. And that “should” is the killer word. Thanks so much for the heartfelt, concrete feedback. I’m so glad this one’s lasting for you.


  16. Sorry my comment is late, but I loved this, and had a good ‘laugh therapy’ session as well 🙂 Wishing you and your husband many, many more years of happiness and love 🙂

My Two Gold Cents in the Holistic Treasury

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